I never thought it actually happens.

I'm going to admit something to myself that I think I didn't want to admit before and still don't quite want to. I think I'm still suffering from some sort of repercussion. You experience things, and then they're over. What do you do when you're haunted by someone you have no way of communicating with? How do you get closure? What do you do when this person keeps showing up in your dreams once a week? I don't seem to be showing any obvious signs of not being over my ex but why do I feel like things aren't quite right. If I'm over her, why does she keep showing up when I sleep? Why do I look across the station, see a girl and wonder whether or not it's her? Then I double back just to make sure it's not. Why is it that whenever I see the Hurlstone uniform my first instinct is to search her out? Are these the signs of a person who needs closure? I don't know.

I once went to a conference and the speaker said:

"mad men don't know they're mad"

I honestly never thought I could still be in the process of getting over someone nearly one year after the break up. I didn't think that I was even in that position until I sat down and thought about it. But it makes more sense now that I'm here typing it out and reading it through. Why else is it that every time I go gym, I think "if only she could see me now". Or when I'm in any area that she could possibly be in, I keep an eye out for her. The worst is the off chance that I actually do see her. I actually feel my stomach plummet and light headed. I lose all focus, I can't concentrate, I feel drained of energy. How can someone who probably doesn't know a thing about you anymore do so much damage to you mentally? I don't think I have any feelings left, but I'll just admit it...

...I'm haunted.

The road less taken

I'm not going to lie, living out the Christian life at times is not fun. It was never meant to be (all) fun and games. Jesus specifically said that those who follow him will indeed face persecution. But that's not what I'm here to talk about today. I just wanted to throw some words out there that have been trapped in my head for a bit of time now. As a 17 year old teenager going through the typical high school experience, there are constant temptations all over the place. Guys talking about porn and girls, parties with alcohol, girlfriends etc etc. To be honest I'm not particularly tempted by porn and the activity that usually follows it but I'll hone in on the other two I listed.

1. Parties and alcohol
I'm not going to lie, I do miss drinking and partying at times. And what makes it harder is that these things aren't even necessarily wrong in themselves. It's just the connotations and the results that usually come with partying at drinking which makes it outright stupid. That being said, I wish I could still go to the occasional party and have a drink or two, laugh it up with my school friends. I had a few drinks at a wedding reception that my parents brought me to but there's no fun in that when you're just drinking with strangers and your parents are around. I see all the pictures and stuff on facebook, and despite thinking that some of these people made complete fools of themselves. I'd still want to go to these social events and have a good time. Don't get me wrong, I would never give up what I have now with Cabang and the amazing opportunities they've offered me but I do miss the past, occasionally.

2. Girlfriends
My last relationship ended sourly and rightfully so too. If my last girlfriend ever stumbles upon this I'd just want her to know how sorry I am for how I behaved in the dying months of our relationship. In saying that though, I'm still glad it's over and that I can now look back at all the mistakes I made. However, I believe God did let me go through that relationship for a reason. It might have been for the next challenge I'm going to face. Being single for the next four years. It sounds hard. It will most likely be hard. But there's good reasoning for why I'm choosing this option which I won't explain just yet because I'm not bothered to at the moment. I'll admit, most of the time, I look at the young couples dating in my church and I just think to myself "Thank goodness I'm not in a relationship that would drain me emotionally (and financially) ". I mean it's already hard enough to devote my attention and set my mind on God let alone another person. And that's sort of giving me a push to start my journey. Now I'm not saying that being in a relationship is bad, but for me as of this moment, it's not my thing. And, sorry, I just have to put this out there. THE FREEDOM THAT COMES WITH BEING SINGLE IS AMAZING! Everytime I ask my friends to hang out and they're like, "Oh sorry, I have to do such and such with my girlfriend", well what can I say...sucked in buddy.

P.S I strongly recommend watching Man of Steel, amazing movie.

The taboo.

One day I was walking past this church building I forgot where it was, probably the CBD. I saw this sign that said :

"SHHH don't say his name !"

It immediately got me thinking, why is there such a taboo on the name "Jesus"? Why does bringing his name up cause unease and results in getting deathstared by some people. It seems as if the only time the word 'Jesus' is acceptable in society is if someone is using it to vent their frustration/anger. Or maybe even the occasional "thank you Jesus", which in most cases is completely unrelated to the person's actual faith in Jesus. I remember in particular that when some Christians started talking about God/Jesus they'd specifically lower their voice to the point where no one else would be able to hear them. I used to be like that too. But for a believer:

"Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels."- Luke 9:26

I'm not 100% sure if ashamed means that Jesus will deny that person in front of his Father upon his second coming. But there is another similar verse which says (paraphrasing) If you deny me in front of men I will deny you in front of my Father. 

I guess I'm not 100% sure why there is such a taboo on Jesus, probably because most people don't want to talk about religion these days or something along those lines. Perhaps bringing his name up convicts people of whatever sins they've committed which they'd rather bury behind in their past. But my message to any believers would be that verse up there in bold. Jesus wasn't ashamed to get whipped and nailed onto a cross for you. So why are you ashamed to simply talk about him to your friends? Which one do you think would have been more painful and humiliating? 

Struggle4Bibles

So on Saturday (18/5) my I went up to Campbelltown with some of my friends from church. Basically what we had to do was walk a 14 km track with a 10kg weight on our backs. Prior to this we were meant to ask for sponsorship for our cause. Every $5 we raised was 1 bible for a kid in Africa. I think we've raised over $500 so far. It was a great day of fellowship and the walk was actually very fun. The view was amazing and it challenged me. LEG DAY! Afterwards we met a young Christian band called 'Midnight praise'. A man gave a talk about how on average a bible affects 6 lives. And how when we read God's word, it's actually God's word reading us and transforming us to be more like Him. I would definitely go again next year and would encourage others to go as well. 

Before the blood, sweat and tears. 

Sylvia, Jason, Alec, Matthew, Alex, David (From left to right)

'Da bois'- David, Me, Alec, Matthew. (From left to right)

Enjoying the free sausage sizzle for completing the course :D

 Us and 'Midnight Praise'. They're a bunch of cool guys, I bought their CD.

Chilling in a tree trunk, as one does.

- A. Dang

My time capsule.

I don't really intend for anyone to read this blog, it's for the sake of preserving memories that I don't want to lose. My life has changed a lot since the last time I blogged, flashback to 1 year ago and I'd wonder if the me now would slap the 2012 me. I have less than half a year to go of my high school life and everything is running pretty smoothly, praise God, church attendance is at 100%, bible reading is solid, school results are looking pretty solid and I'm closer than ever to God. Which brings me to the first big change:

1. "When did you start taking religion so seriously?" "What prompted this 'religious epiphany'?
   
   I'd like to clear something, I didn't take religion seriously, I took my relationship with Jesus more seriously. But that's jargon and I understand what people mean when they ask me this question. At a certain moment in my life everything was at an all time low. Results were trash, school attendance was trash, I was a poor example of a Christian, I was far from God. It looked like everything was going pretty downhill in every aspect of my life, spiritual, social, educational. But like the prodigal son I found my way back to my Father's arms and boy did he embrace me. I feel like it was that moment where I truly became a Christian, whatever I was before was what's referred to as 'Pseudo Christian'. I became a much more active member of my church community, attended service more, made my church friends my social network (which took time and effort mind you) and went to more church events. To put it in a Christian way: The Holy Spirit was burning inside me and bearing the fruits of the Spirit. I don't think this is something that can be fully explained, I don't really have the words for it, other than thank God who poured his grace upon me. 
   
   
   I suspect due to this 'religious epiphany' that people have talked smack about me but that's okay, I was once among that crowd so I understand where they're coming from. But when you make God the center of your life, those comments and insults seem very insignificant. At this point, I would like to stress that I do not view myself as better than anyone because of who I have become (If that comment has been made). I feel like there are a lot of misunderstandings in regards to Christianity and myself but I have not become a 'religious snob'. 
   
   
2. "Where did you get all the motivation from?" 

To be honest, I don't know. In the holidays before HSC, and after prelims, I realised how crap I was doing at school and that gave me drive to work hard. There are people who have consistently worked hard from year 7 to now so the way I see it is: if they've done it for 5-6 years in a row, surely I can do it for 1 year. At first my motive was to prove to everyone that I'm not a dropkick and a failure but that made me a really horrible self-centred person. My new motivation is to use my results to glorify God and to honour my parents. I plan on getting the best possible ATAR to basically say to my parents "Thank you for supporting me through 12 years of education, thank you for the thousands of dollars you spent on school fees and tutoring. Here is the end result of all that support/money." The sad thing is, the ATAR I get isn't even for them, it's for me. They don't lose anything if I get a bad ATAR (except maybe some pride in me as a son), I'm the one who will have to deal with the consequences. Which is an example of how much our parents love us, sometimes they care about us more than we care about ourseleves. 

I don't really know how to end my post lol. I guess I'll just put a list of things my readers (If I end up having any) should expect to see on my blog.

• Devotionals (basically I pick a bible passage I've been studying and give my analysis, reflection and application of it)
• Theology 
• Photos of awesome events. 
• Normal things that happen in my life which I feel like blogging about I suppose. LOL.

I guess I'll end with my favourite verse as of yet. 

I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39

-A. Dang